My Ambivalence...

Well, it finally happened. I am officially employed after 8 months of not working. However, I am incredibly ambivalent about life right now, despite finally having a second income.

The job I got is working for the Phone Directories Company (www.pdcpages.com) as an Advertising Consultant. It sounds fancy, but basically I work with businesses to set up and design their yellow page ads in the PDC Phonebook. The PDC Phonebook is the one with the pretty cover - and it's pretty much nationwide. If you are curious about the PDC phone book, look through your stacks of unused phone books, and if you have one that has a pretty picture on the front, that is who I work for. It's a good job, the money is decent and it's not stressful. I don't plan on making a career out of it, but it's REALLY nice to have a job after all this time.

Here is why I am feeling ambivalent. When I lost my job back in November, I never really got any answers as to why I was let go. I was told many different things, from budget cuts to my "heart not being in the work", and I have harbored some VERY bad feelings for the woman that fired me. Being the kind of person I am, I have never hated anyone. I've disliked people, sure, but never given much thought to it. And if someone made me mad or betrayed me, I didn't tend to hold a grudge too long. That is, until November 24, 2008. My dreams turned to nightmares almost every night, and I sort of lost focus on what life was really about. The anger and hatred I held for this individual brought me down and held me there, making me far less of a person than I could ever want to be. I started to really dislike the way I felt, and I would try to do things to put it out of my mind, but it would always creep back in.

I LOVED my job. I absolutely loved every minute of being a social worker. I loved going on home visits. I loved writing up court reports and assessments. I LOVED going to court. And more than anything, I loved seeing the tiny steps of progression made by my clients. Losing that job made me feel like I lost the world. And the worst part about it, is that I'm sure this woman that fired me promptly forgot about me the next day. I'm sure she had no regrets and couldn't have cared less about what might happen to me. I became quite depressed. The only thing that kept me sane was Scottie. He only ever encouraged me, letting me know that things would get better. I can honestly say that the past 8 months have been the hardest 8 months of my life. I knew I wouldn't be able to dispose of my hatred for my former boss until I had another job - something to do, something to keep my mind off past events and focus on the future.

I finally feel like this dark cloud of hatred and depression is lifting. It's a really great feeling. I don't know how long it will take before I finally let go completely, or if I ever will. But I feel like a big step has been taken, and that's always the hardest part.

Have you ever taken a step back, looked at your life and just said, "How the HECK did I get HERE?" It's a question I feel like I ask myself way too much. The good things in my life are REALLY good. Scottie, for example, is way more than I could have asked for in a husband. He's absolutely incredible. And I am so thankful to have him. I'm also very thankful for my ability to learn, to make friends and be social, and my overall health. However, it feels like the things that go wrong, REALLY go wrong. Sometimes I just feel like I'm standing still in a world of people moving at super speed. And I don't really know what to do with that.

I guess we're not meant to understand life, or why things happen the way they do, but I can't help but always want to, espcially as I get older. The plan I had for my life when I was young went out the window years ago. I guess I should just stop making plans for myself period.

When I was 17, if asked where I saw myself in 10 years, I would have said this:
-I would have a college degree in either communications or business management.
-I would have at least two or three kids, and I'd be a stay at home mom.
-I'd be married to a man that made truck loads of money at a great job.
-I'd live in some other state besides Utah, in a big house, with nice cars.
-I'd be well on my way to building the homeless shelter I've dreamed of building since I was 14 years old.

Now I'm 27, and here is how my life is drastically different than I planned:
-I have a college degree in Psychology, working on a Masters in School Counseling
-I don't have kids, and it's very unlikely that I'll ever have my own. But we plan on adopting.
-I am married to a man that makes just enough money for us to pay the bills, and while his career path is very admirable, he'll never make truck loads of cash.
-I not only live in Utah, but in Utah's capital city.
-My homeless shelter is still a design on the back of a church program.

I'm scared and excited to see how things will be in another 10 years.

It's Anniversary Time!

Yesterday Scottie and I celebrated our third anniversary! Three years!!! It's SO crazy how fast time flies! So for our anniversary, we didn't plan much because Scott had work from 7 am till 3 pm and then I had to go to school at 6. But it actually turned out to be a GREAT day!!

On Monday, while Scott was at work, I went out and bought a frame for his Red Jumpsuit Apparatus poster that he got signed by the band. But when I got home, I realized the frame I got was WAY too big, so I had to improvise! I got an old vinyl record, put the signed CD jacket on top of the record, and put it in the frame with the poster. See the finished product below!

Then that night, before our anniversary, I snuck out after Scott had fallen asleep and put brand new floor mats in his truck. He's been needing them for a while, so I took the opportunity to get them for him! I made a card for him and left it in the truck too. Cheesy, I know, to make a card, but I couldn't find any at the store that said what I wanted to say.

He was so cute, when he came home from work at 3, he brought 3 long stem roses for me, one for every year we've been married. For some reason he was trying to convince me that he forgot our anniversary, but I knew he was just up to something. Every holiday/anniversary/birthday he always tries to do something sneaky so he can surprise me with something special. I had to leave for class, and he said he was going to a movie with a friend.

Right before class my sister came in with a huge edible arrangement and a balloon from Scottie! The edible arrangement is BEAUTIFUL - with all kinds of fruit fashioned to look like a flower bouquet, but it's fantastic because you can eat it!! I thought it was so thoughtful of him. And SO yummy!

My professor let me go at 7:30, instead of staying until 10, which was fantastic! Scottie and I went to Outback for a nice steak dinner, and then we were going to the theater but we decided to redbox a movie instead. We got Fired Up, which was REALLY funny! We had a really great night just being together, which I feel like we don't get to do enough.

Scott is SUCH an amazing husband. He is everything I could ever ask for. It's been such a wonderful three years, and I am so happy to have the rest of eternity with him!!!

Godspeed This Letter...

I always feel really patriotic from Memorial Day all the way through the end of August. Memorial Day is an awesome holiday, and this year we spent some time in the cemetary remembering those we've lost, especially Sean. He wasn't a soldier, per se, but he fought his own battles. My heart has been so full lately, and then Scott and I discovered this song after we saw The Red Jumpsuit Apparatus in concert on Friday. It really touched my heart, and I feel like it expresses emotions that only a soldier can feel. I decided I would make this slideshow/movie as a tribute to the brave men and women that keep our country free. Enjoy!

Concert Week Off to a GREAT Start!!!

This week is concert week for us. Last night started it off with the No Doubt and Paramore concert at the E center! I went with my sisters, and we had floor tickets! It was so much fun. For all of Paramore and most of No Doubt, we were fairly close to the stage. I took tons of pictures, but there are only a few in the slideshow.

Wednesday, Scott and I will see Taking Back Sunday with Anberlin.



Friday, we are going to the X96 Maverick Big Ass Show to see The Offspring, Red Jumpsuit Apparatus, Alkaline Trio, Escape The Fate, Airborne Toxic Event and others. We're really looking forward to it!! I love concerts in the summer!

Trying Out One More Time!

So The Biggest Loser is casting again - this time for Season 9. And guess what??

They want family member teams of two for this season! Apparently Season 8 will be another individual season, and then it's going back to couples, but this time family members only!

Scott and I are going to try again, so first we're going to make a video, and then try to hit up a live casting call.

If you have any fun or creative ideas for our video, please let me know!!

We're really excited because this time it could work in our favor! Woooo!

Sometimes life....just is.

Since we didn't do anything exciting this week, like go to L.A., buy a new computer or go to any concerts, I thought I'd just talk a little bit about life.

For those of you that know me, my life isn't the easiest it's been in a while. I've been unemployed for 6 months now (and man that's gone by fast), I've been in grad school for 9 months (who's shocked I've made it this far??) and right now, I'm sick! Ugh! But instead of focusing on the crap, I'm going to focus on the good things!

So this is my list of things I'm thankful for this week.

1. SCOTTIE! What a great husband. Since Saturday, when I first started feeling sick, he's done all he could to make me feel better. He's given me back rubs, he has gone to the store numerous times to get ice cream and medicine and soda, he's covered me up so I don't get cold, he's made me breakfast, lunch and dinner, and he's been there for me even when he's been at school and work. He's simply amazing, and I don't know how worthy I am of his amazingness. I really lucked out in the husband department.

2. Winning! Scottie and I have won some great things this week - well Scott mostly. He's won 4 tickets to the X96 Maverick Big Ass Show (sorry, that's just what it's called) and I am SO excited because we usually go every year, but we didn't get tickets last year. But now we can go, and we'll be going with great friends! We're going to try to win more, too. I also won tickets to the Supercross event that is happening this weekend, so Scottie is taking our nephew to that. It just feels great to win.

3. Unemployment benefits! Yes, I've been able to get umemployment benefits for the past 6 months to help us make ends meet. And it's weird because while I was working, our bank account was ALWAYS empty. We didn't even HAVE a savings account. But since I've been unemployed, we've never had an empty account, and we have TWO savings accounts now. Is that weird or what? And before our trip, we had paid off or down all of our credit cards. Granted we used them for our LA trip, but the fact remains that we were able to use them because we had them paid off or down! I feel pretty blessed to be in the financial position we're in, despite the fact that I have no job. And I found out this week that I've been granted an extention of 4 months to my benefits. So thanks, Obama! (Who ever thought they'd hear me say THAT?)

4. The Church! On Easter, I was reminded just how much I love this gospel. I am SO thankful to be a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints - because personally, it gives me the peace I need, the comfort, and the boost to get through life. I got to sing "I Know That My Redeemer Lives" with my dad for everyone in Sacrament. It was so touching to me to be able to share that moment with my dad, because he is such an amazing father. It means the world to me that we can share a talent together that is not only enjoyable, but allows us to show our faith together as well. I guess this one is all encompassing - the church, my father, and my voice.

5. Modern day medicine! Oh how thankful I am for the loads of Ibuprofen, Tylenol PM and Dayquil I've consumed in the past 4 days. And that's just the beginning! There's Airborne, Vicks Vaporub, Mucinex and cough drops! Although not one of them can cure me, they've all done their part to ease the burdens of this virus in their own little ways.

6. Technology. So I can share all of this with you. Because I'm sure it's the most riveting thing you've read in a while.

Are You Ready to ROCK?!?!

Scottie and I are ALWAYS ready to rock!

Last night we rocked out with Fall Out Boy at the Great Saltair in Salt Lake! Along with Fall Out Boy, we saw Hey Monday, Cobra Starship, Metro Station and All Time Low. We went to the show with Amy, George, Jen and Matt. We had so much fun!

The Great Saltair is a great concert venue - with two levels of standing only room. We were on the main level for most of the concert, but made our way up to see Fall Out Boy from the second level. No matter where you are, you get a great view of the band on stage! We had a lot of fun - we are big fans of Fall Out Boy, and we really like Hey Monday as well. They are a new band, and if you haven't heard of them, check them out on myspace.

Here are some pictures of the concert that I took. I didn't post all of them, in fact this is about a third of the pictures I took! And thanks, Celena, for the slide.com idea!! SO totally helpful!!!!