I Dreamed a Dream...

I'm sitting here at 4:45 am in the sleep lab, waiting for 6:00 to come around, and as I do, I have a plethora or thoughts running through my head. I just can't seem to get them to stop. So I'm glad I'm working, and not attempting to sleep, because I wouldn't be very successful at that right now. So I figured, I'll put my fingers to work and just type out everything that's in my brain. Because once it's out, I might just be able to chill the freak out.

I had a really crazy dream the other night. Not just crazy, but disturbing and ridiculous and sickening and frightening and funny all at the same time. I'm not going to tell you the dream, but I will say that when I woke up in the morning, I had the worse feeling. I was sick, but slightly amused. I wanted to throw up, but laugh at the same time. I couldn't put into words exactly what I felt at that very moment. Even now, two full days later, I still remember every vivid detail of the stupid dream. Now if you know me, you know that I don't just disregard dreams. All my life I've remembered most of my dreams. I've written many of them down. I've had many of them interpreted by people who are talented in that area. I've even read many books on the subject of dreams (Thank you Carl Jung and of course, Freud) and I have a dream directory that sits next to my bed and is cracked open pretty much every morning. The people I did tell the dream to just said things like, "Well your subconsciously stressed and your mind and body are trying to make sense of what's stressing you..." or "It's just nothing. Dreams are wierd and don't mean anything."

But what if they do?

When I was 6 years old, I started having a reoccurring dream. It started out on a dark, rainy night, and I was 22 years old. I was riding shotgun in a car, with a brunette behind the wheel. She was someone I knew and trusted. Of course in waking life, I wouldn't have known her from Adam. We're driving down a winding road, and all of a sudden there's a screeching sound, then the sounds of metal crunching and glass breaking all around me. The dream then shifts to an omniscient view, and I realize that I am looking at my dying body from many feet above the wreckage. At first in the dream I would wake up before I died. But as I got older, I would die in the dream every time.

I had that dream at least once a week for the next 16 years.

I'm 22. I'm a missionary in the great state of Wisconsin. My companion is this fantastic girl that I got along with beautifully. She is a brunette. And she is the designated driver. One night we were running late getting back to our apartment after a dinner appointment. She was going a little faster than normal, and she decided to take a short cut. As she turned onto a new road I'd never seen before, it began to rain. It was already dark. Suddenly the dream sequence wasn't a dream anymore. It was actually happening. That same road. The same car. The same driver. The rain.

My heart started racing and it felt as if it might just beat right out of my chest. My fingers were wrapped so tightly around the door handle that they lost all feeling. My breathing quickened and I closed my eyes and began to pray as I prepared myself for what I had seen coming since I was only 6 years old.

Now you can probably imagine that the dream didn't QUITE go as had been played in my dream for all those years. It actually turned out to be a pretty amazing experience. As I kept offering up my plea to the Heavens, I actually felt like I heard someone say, "Not this time."

When I opened my tear filled eyes, we were no longer on the road. We were turning into our parking lot. That night I prayed so hard with thankfulness bursting out of my heart.

I can't help but ask myself what it all meant. I've had similar experiences, as I'm sure you all have, where you have a dream and find yourself experiencing the dream in waking life - the detail just as clear as it was in your dream. Once I had a dream I was riding my bike in a skirt on a college campus. There was another girl riding a few feet ahead of me also in a skirt. My first area on the mission was Madison, at the campus of the University of Wisconsin. The dream was replicated exactly in waking life, not one single detail out of place.

It could be that I am just thinking too much about this - blowing everything completely out of proportion and making things into something they're not, but I just don't know. How are we even to being to know the truth about things like this? We can't comprehend it - our silly little human brains just aren't capable of it. Someday we will, and it will all make perfect sense - as if we had been told it every day of our lives. I just imagine us sitting with the ones we love, slapping our foreheads for being so silly as to forget such simple and insignificant details.

That's one of the amazing things about this life experience. We're so clueless! We're here, with words, people, experiences and histories to follow, and we can choose everything that we believe. We can decide to follow the teachings of any church we want. We can choose to be any kind of person we feel so inclined to be. We can choose to interpret something as silly as a dream to mean something incredible in our lives. But it's 100% up to us. We've been given the tools. It's up to us to start building. What you build and how you build it is totally up to you. We all have different tools, in fact. So not one life experience is going to be even remotely the same. How could it be?

Okay, well I think I've rambled on enough for the time being. I do feel better after writing all this down. It's so very theraputic. Perhaps I should start a dream blog - typing up the dreams I have and leaving them open for discussion. Maybe I dream so much and so vividly for a reason...who knows?

A Tribute to The World's Best Mom!

My mom's birthday is coming up next week, and I've been giving a lot of thought about what a wonderful mother she is! So this blog is dedicated to this AMAZING person!

My mother gave birth to me during one of the most treacherous winters of the decade. The doctor didn't want me going outside until he felt it would be safe, so I ended up spending a whole week in the hospital with my mom. And since I was the only baby there, we got extra special treatment! I feel like that gave us a super close bond that we wouldn't have otherwise.

As I grew up, I always thought of my mom as the most spiritual person I knew. She took every opportunity she could to teach me a principle of the gospel, and bear her testimony. For me, being disciplined felt more like a learning experience than a punishment. I remember one time in particular she had found out that I stole milk from the cafeteria. I was 7 years old. When I got home from school, she called me into her room, and she was sitting there with her scriptures. She had me read some scriptures in the Book of Mormon (Alma 34). It talks about how you shouldn't procrastinate the day of your repentance. She then explained to me what repentance was, and she then had me kneel down and pray out loud and ask God to forgive me. That was my first experience with repentance, and it was something that stuck with me all my life. I remember that experience so vividly.

Along with being spiritual, my mom is also VERY funny! Of course, she doesn't try to be, which makes it even more funny! My favorite funny thing my mom said happened one night while my sisters and I were watching TV. It was already past our bedtime, and she was getting frustrated with us. She kept telling us to go to bed, and we'd say, "Okay, Mom, just a sec!" After about 4 or 5 rounds with the same conversation, she'd had enough. She said, "Alright girls, it's REALLY time to go to bed!" We of course answered, "Just a sec!" She looked at us firmly and said, "No! No more secs!!" Without missing a beat, my dad responded with, "She's been telling me that for years!"

We all had a good laugh as we made our way off to bed.

My mom playing Guesstures on Easter (March 23, 2008)

My mom has always wanted us all to have good educations and be successful in our studies. She wanted us also to have culture in our lives. When I was four, I remember sitting around the kitchen table with my sisters as my mom taught us Spanish. The first word I remember sticking is Rojo (red). She taught us how to count and ask questions etc. When I took Spanish in school, it was an absolute breeze, due to the lessons I'd had as a child. Of course the trips to Mexico helped out a lot as well! She's always been very supportive in our choices for what we've studied, and has always made sure we know how proud she is of us. That is such a motivating factor - I want nothing more than for my mother to be proud of me!

Something unique about my mom is how she's always been clever in how she's raised us. Whenever I did something wrong, I was given a choice of punishment. For example: if I swore, I could choose between washing out my mouth with soap, or eating a teaspoon of tabasco sauce. I chose the sauce. That was a mistake. I won't touch it now! Another choice was either going to my room, or staying in the room with the family, but having to sit on a chair NEXT to the TV, so I couldn't see it. I wasn't allowed to participate in whatever was going on, but I always chose that over going to my room, because I didn't want to miss anything!

My mom has been an English teacher for as long as I can remember. She is such a great teacher! When she retires, the Wasatch School District will be losing one of the best teachers to ever grace the hallways. She knows her stuff, she doesn't take crap from punk kids, and she makes sure that no kid is left behind. She has a way of teaching things so that they're easy to understand. And she doesn't ever make anyone feel stupid for not understanding something. I really appreciate that about her.

She is incredibly sensitive. I have always felt like I could go to my mom about anything I needed help with. Even if it was an embarassing problem, I wasn't embarassed to talk to my mom about it. She's so understanding and always has the right words that just replace frustration with comfort. I love that about my mom. She's always just a phone call away!

There is so much more I could say about my mother. She is without a doubt the most amazing, perfect mother a person could have. A lot of kids say that their mom is the smartest person in the world, and then eventually grow out of that, but I still think my mom is the smartest person in the world, along with my dad. I feel SO lucky to have been born into a family with such great parents!

Mom, I hope you have the best birthday EVER! You definitely deserve it!

I love you!

My mom and her sister Carole at Sea World June 2007


My mom and her mother at the Mayan, March 8, 2008

The Things I Just Can't Live Without!

Earlier today I was wiping something up with a Clorox Wipe and it got me wondering...

Just what did we do without these things?

So this blog is dedicated to those modern day inventions that aren't really necessary, but yet I can't seem to get by without them.

1. Clorox wipes, of course!

They make it SO easy to wipe up a mess, clean off the counter, wipe down every surface in the bathroom or kitchen, and then I can just throw it away! No icky sponge that collects germs and rots and smells, no using 3,000 paper towels at a time, and no worrying about harmful chemicals that might hurt my bitties or my skin! They're just simply AMAZING. What a great time to be alive!

2. The internet. Absolutely could not live without it! I look back to when I was in middle school, before the internet was what it is today, and I think...did we REALLY write research papers with library books and a pen? Wow. It all seems so primitive. And I suppose, when you put it into perspective, that it IS primitive. And now the internet is EVERYWHERE. Granted, there are some downfalls, (i.e. perverts and people who use it for evil) but you can seriously find anything on here. And the best part is keeping in touch with old friends and people through blogs, emails, facebook, etc. And you can get phones with the internet! How crazy is that?

3. Speaking of internet on phones....my CELL PHONE!

Imagine this: You're driving down a long, dark road. The radio's playing, the cool wind is in your hair, and suddenly....you run out of gas!!! What do you do?

Luckily you have your cell phone.

You can take it anywhere - anyone you need to talk to at the touch of a button. You can check your email. You can play games. My phone has a music maker where you can build a song with bass tracks, drums, keyboards, etc. It can also teach you how to play guitar or piano.

My favorite feature of my phone is the step counter. It has a built in pedometer, so I can know how many steps I've walked, and how many calories I've burned every day. It's a beautiful thing.

4. My Kitchenaid Standing Mixer

My first year of college, I didn't own any kind of mixer. Not even a handheld little mixer. If I wanted to mix something, like cookie dough or whatever, I had to do it by hand. By HAND! Gosh it made my hand sore. And it wasn't always mixed all that well. And the cookie dough wasn't light and fluffy.

But the kitchenaid is simply perfect. Not only is it so much easier to mix things, but everything is always perfectly mixed. The dough is light and fluffy. Cookies turn out like little drops of Heaven.

All I do is turn on the mixer, and start adding ingredients. The mixer does the rest. If you don't have one, GET ONE!!!!!!!

5. Last but not least (although I have a million more on this list, but don't have that much time) would be Egyptian Cotton Sheets.

I first heard of Egyptian Cotton Sheets when I saw the movie Uptown Girls (one of my fav movies). Of course REAL Egyptian Cotton Sheets are ridiculously expensive. Luckily for me, Bed Bath and Beyond started making a much less expensive version of them. Instead of 4,000 thread count, their like 400, but they're still just wonderful. Once you start sleeping on Egyptian Cotton, you won't ever go back to regular sheets.

Those are just 5 of the many modern day inventions that I just can't live without. I'll probably make another blog like this one in a few weeks - highlighting some more wonderful things I just love!

NEVER TOO OLD

ITS ME SCOTTIE
YOU WILL KNOW MY POST BY THE CAPSLOCKEDNESS AND THE LACK OF PUNCTUTION OH AND THE DISSPELLED WORDS HAHA

ANY WAY
I WENT TO A CONCERT ON THE 8TH OF APRIL AND I SAW

LUDO
THE BROBECKS
THE BRAVERY
AND STORY OF THE YEAR

I TOOK MY BROTHER BECAUSE ALISON SAID SHE WAS TOO OLD TO GO TO CONCERTS LIKE THAT
I SAID WHATEVER
SO BIG E AND I WENT TO THE CONCERT AND SPENT THE WHOLE TIME KICKING SOME BOOTIE IN THE MOSH PITS IT WAS GREAT!
I NOTICED THAT BECAUSE I AM A BIGGER GUY PEOPLE TARGET ME MORE
I GOT HEAD BUTTED IN THE EAR
I GOT MY FOOT STOMPED ON ( I SWEAR THAT PERSON WAS WAIRING CLEATS)
I GOT PUNCHED IN THE NECK
I GOT ELBOWED IN MY RIGHT ARM
ALL THIES ARE BATTLE WONDS THAT I AM PROUD OF

WHEN ALISON FOUND OUT THAT I WAS IN THE MOSH PIT SHE SAID I WAS TOO OLD FOR THAT STUFF
I SAY NO WAY DUDE!


THAT IS ALL I WANTED TO SAY

I'm Thankful!

This weekend has been a roller coaster of emotions. Through the viewing, funeral, and conference talks that I've experienced, I have been reminded of things that I am truly thankful for. These are things I've always been thankful for, but haven't given near enough thought. And I would like to publicly make these things known.

1. I am SO thankful for the knowledge that I have of what comes after this life. That there is more to come. That through the amazing sealing power of the priesthood, we are able to be reunited with our loved ones after this life. That when we lose those we love, it's not a final goodbye. And that we are never alone. As we walked into the funeral home where the viewing took place Friday night, there was a beautiful statue that greeted us. I walked in and simply stared at it. It was a representation of what happens when we die. And I pictured my beloved, beautiful Grandmother experiencing the same thing as the woman in the statue.

I am very thankful for that.

2. During the viewing, many people came to see my Grandmother. Even a man who worked at Costco, and had seen my grandparents come in every week and helped them with their items. Many people who had only known her for a few months came to pay their respects because she had touched their lives so deeply in only a short amount of time. Words cannot express what an amazing person she was, and how easy it was to love her. I am so very thankful that I was able to know her for all 26 years of my life.

1988 Family Reunion (I am at the bottom left in the blue dress. My grandma is in the back row, purple dress with glasses on)

3. I am thankful for flowers. For how beautiful they are and what they can represent. There were so many beautiful flowers at the funeral, and they brought such a feeling of respect and love, as well as beauty. I know my grandmother would have just loved to see them, to smell the pleasant aromas. They would have brought a big smile to her face, for she loved flowers and nature.

This is my grandmother in 1948 at Capistrano.

These are the flowers I got to keep from the funeral

4. I am thankful for my voice. For as long as I can remember, I have loved to sing. I have enjoyed singing with my sisters throughout our lives. Before my grandmother died, she asked my dad if Anne, Amy and I would sing at her funeral. She wanted us to sing, 'How Great Thou Art' which was one of her very favorite hymns. Amy found a beautiful arrangement of the song, and I got very nervous. I was so afraid I would lose my composure during the song, and start crying. But before we got up to sing, I reminded myself that this was my final gift to my grandmother. A song, sung from the heart, to the best of my ability. We all made it through the song, and then shortly after, the tears began to flow. But I am so thankful that I was able to give my grandmother that one final gift.

5. I am thankful for modern day technology. The technology that can bring the word of the Lord straight from Him, to his apostles, right to my living room! How amazing is that!? So I took a picture of the TV with Elder Holland giving his talk. Because it's just awesome. I can sit here in my pajamas and listen to the things the Lord would have me hear. It also makes it possible for those around the world to hear these words, when they otherwise wouldn't have been able to.

This just makes me happy.

These are just a few of the things I am thankful for. I am also incredibly thankful for good friends that have shown their love and support during this hard time. Above all, I am SO thankful for my wonderful husband, who was a pillar of strength for me during all of this. He is the most amazing person I know, and I am so lucky to be his wife. I am a very blessed girl!

Below is the link to my Grandmother's obituary, which was written by my father. It is beautifully written, and if you would like to read it, please do so.

http://www.meaningfulfunerals.net/fh/obituaries/obituary.cfm?o_id=210759&fh_id=10376&s_id=FCCA13AD24B48CCCD72A1F674A2DA601

It's Not Goodbye. It's See You Later.

It's been a hard day today.

I woke up this morning at a little after 6. I was wide awake, and not sure why, considering I haven't slept much this week, and I had only been asleep for 3 hours. Scott woke up shortly after I did. And we weren't the only ones.

At 7:30 I got a phone call from my dad. He too had been awake quite early, for some unknown reason. So had my mom and both my sisters, as well as my aunt and a few of my uncles.

At 6:30 am, my Grandma Boulter passed away. My dad had been there with her, in the hospital, holding her hand and feeling her pulse until the very last one. He had been there to comfort her, and she was peaceful as she took her last mortal breath and softly slipped away to the other side of the veil.



My Grandma's birthday party - 4/24/06

My Grandma Boulter was an AMAZING person. She was so very aware of each of her children, of their spouses, of her MANY grandchildren, and her growing group of great-grandchildren. Some of my very first memories of my grandma take place at Christmas, as we'd all gather together at her house and celebrate, exchange presents, sing, eat, and just have a good time. All my cousins would be there, and we'd all show each other what we'd gotten that year. Grandma would always spoil us.

Grandma took me on my very first cruise when I was 12, and it was then that I realized I'd inherited her love for cruisin'! She took my sisters, a few of my cousins and me along with my Grandpa to San Diego, where we boarded the ship that took us to Ensenada, Mexico. It was SO much fun! I tried Escargot for the first time, as well lobster, eel, and swordfish. It's an experience that I couldn't forget, even if I tried.

The next summer, Grandma decided to take my sisters, parents and me to Cabo San Lucas, Mexico, where we spent a week in the sun, taking in the culture, parasailing, and having an amazing time.

The year after that, she took us all to Puerto Vallarta, Mexico. We took glass bottom boat rides, shopped in the farmers markets, snorkeled in the ocean, and again, had an amazing time. That next spring, she took me, my mom and dad and grandpa to Kona, Hawaii, where we stayed for a week. We went to the top of the Kiluea Crater (a huge volcano that erupts once every 80 or so years), walked through a lava tunnel, went to an authentic luau, and then toured the island. We also toured Oahu and spent some time on the black sand beach. We also went to a macadamia nut factory, and a pineapple processing plant where they had the most amazing pineapple ice cream!

When I came back from my mission in 2004, my grandma wasn't quite the same. She had lost close to 100 lbs, and looked years older than I remembered her. She wasn't the same bubbly, energetic grandma that I knew, but she was still my grandma. Full of love and sweetness. She and my grandpa came to meet me at the airport, and then took us to lunch after. She told me that while I was gone, she'd gone through some serious surgeries (which I had read about in letters from my parents, but wasn't totally clued in on the seriousness), and that she just hadn't recovered well. For the past 3 1/2 years, her health has slowly declined. It's been hard to see that.

My first Christmas home after the mission

In January, Scott and I helped them moved from their house they'd lived in for years and years into a small condo a few miles away. It was then that I realized things were changing drastically. She gave me one of her Lladros, which are her prized posessions, and I hold it so dear to my heart.

Last week I went over to her house for a short visit. I asked her how she was, and she told me she wasn't doing well. I could see in her aged face the agony that her mortal body was causing her. I saw in her eyes a desire for some sort of release. I gave her a hug and a kiss and told her I loved her. I didn't know that it would be the last time I'd see her in this life.

My dad took a picture of her last night after the doctors had removed all the wires and tubes. They wanted her to be as comfortable as possible. They knew she didn't have long. In the picture she is smiling. Genuinely happy. She knew the sweet release of death was coming very soon, and she could leave this mortal life behind, having accomplished many things - the most important of those being an incredible family. In the picture she looks so small, so fragile, like a little bird just waiting to learn how to fly.

The thing I am most grateful for is my knowledge of what comes after this life. Although the seperation of death isn't easy, it's bearable because of what I know. I know that it isn't goodbye. It's see you later. I know that because we've all been sealed together, that we will all be together after this short mortal existence. I know my grandma is so much happier, she's with her mother, her dear friends, and she isn't in pain anymore.

Although I am not dealing very well with her death, I still know that I will see her again someday.





So I'll see you later, Grandma. Save a place for me where you are.