My Ambivalence...

Well, it finally happened. I am officially employed after 8 months of not working. However, I am incredibly ambivalent about life right now, despite finally having a second income.

The job I got is working for the Phone Directories Company (www.pdcpages.com) as an Advertising Consultant. It sounds fancy, but basically I work with businesses to set up and design their yellow page ads in the PDC Phonebook. The PDC Phonebook is the one with the pretty cover - and it's pretty much nationwide. If you are curious about the PDC phone book, look through your stacks of unused phone books, and if you have one that has a pretty picture on the front, that is who I work for. It's a good job, the money is decent and it's not stressful. I don't plan on making a career out of it, but it's REALLY nice to have a job after all this time.

Here is why I am feeling ambivalent. When I lost my job back in November, I never really got any answers as to why I was let go. I was told many different things, from budget cuts to my "heart not being in the work", and I have harbored some VERY bad feelings for the woman that fired me. Being the kind of person I am, I have never hated anyone. I've disliked people, sure, but never given much thought to it. And if someone made me mad or betrayed me, I didn't tend to hold a grudge too long. That is, until November 24, 2008. My dreams turned to nightmares almost every night, and I sort of lost focus on what life was really about. The anger and hatred I held for this individual brought me down and held me there, making me far less of a person than I could ever want to be. I started to really dislike the way I felt, and I would try to do things to put it out of my mind, but it would always creep back in.

I LOVED my job. I absolutely loved every minute of being a social worker. I loved going on home visits. I loved writing up court reports and assessments. I LOVED going to court. And more than anything, I loved seeing the tiny steps of progression made by my clients. Losing that job made me feel like I lost the world. And the worst part about it, is that I'm sure this woman that fired me promptly forgot about me the next day. I'm sure she had no regrets and couldn't have cared less about what might happen to me. I became quite depressed. The only thing that kept me sane was Scottie. He only ever encouraged me, letting me know that things would get better. I can honestly say that the past 8 months have been the hardest 8 months of my life. I knew I wouldn't be able to dispose of my hatred for my former boss until I had another job - something to do, something to keep my mind off past events and focus on the future.

I finally feel like this dark cloud of hatred and depression is lifting. It's a really great feeling. I don't know how long it will take before I finally let go completely, or if I ever will. But I feel like a big step has been taken, and that's always the hardest part.

Have you ever taken a step back, looked at your life and just said, "How the HECK did I get HERE?" It's a question I feel like I ask myself way too much. The good things in my life are REALLY good. Scottie, for example, is way more than I could have asked for in a husband. He's absolutely incredible. And I am so thankful to have him. I'm also very thankful for my ability to learn, to make friends and be social, and my overall health. However, it feels like the things that go wrong, REALLY go wrong. Sometimes I just feel like I'm standing still in a world of people moving at super speed. And I don't really know what to do with that.

I guess we're not meant to understand life, or why things happen the way they do, but I can't help but always want to, espcially as I get older. The plan I had for my life when I was young went out the window years ago. I guess I should just stop making plans for myself period.

When I was 17, if asked where I saw myself in 10 years, I would have said this:
-I would have a college degree in either communications or business management.
-I would have at least two or three kids, and I'd be a stay at home mom.
-I'd be married to a man that made truck loads of money at a great job.
-I'd live in some other state besides Utah, in a big house, with nice cars.
-I'd be well on my way to building the homeless shelter I've dreamed of building since I was 14 years old.

Now I'm 27, and here is how my life is drastically different than I planned:
-I have a college degree in Psychology, working on a Masters in School Counseling
-I don't have kids, and it's very unlikely that I'll ever have my own. But we plan on adopting.
-I am married to a man that makes just enough money for us to pay the bills, and while his career path is very admirable, he'll never make truck loads of cash.
-I not only live in Utah, but in Utah's capital city.
-My homeless shelter is still a design on the back of a church program.

I'm scared and excited to see how things will be in another 10 years.